Tuesday, November 20, 2007

My only advice for new parents

Socrates said the secret was to know you know nothing. He must have been a parent... when he wasn't into young boys or melons.

There's a young fellow at work who's knocked up his wife and he's a little nervous about it so I thought I'd share some wisdom in order to change his feelings:


You freak! You made another human being and your beloved is going to squeeze it out while cursing you with every fiber of her being and then you take it home and you hope someone will pop up to help you take care of it but you'll instantly switch into the dread of CFS realizing what a tool you are and steal the baby back and give it to a family that deserves it way more than you do! But buck up, buttercup - you can't be that much worse than most idiots in the world.

You chose a good place to have it - no, not the germ-saturated hospital - but the freaking country. As my know-it-all daughter points out, Canada actually has affordable medical care and a lack of large carnivorous animals roaming the cities, ready to eat babies the moment you cry. No real current wars, a social safety net to blunt the edge of the psychos that are inherent to the human species, and lotsa high calorie food. This is the freakin promised land, compared to what our monkey ancestors dealt with on the savannas of Africa.

You are going to try to be supportive of your wife while noting how hot the 24 year old doctor is in her scrubs, and you'll beat yourself up for it, and your wife will clobber you for no reason anyways. You'll get tired and keep thinking how some lady squatted in a lettuce field on coffee break and had a kid without all this bother - and whatever stuff you got before the birth is so paltry and you are a terrible father for getting such rags and accessories. You'll feel all protective and primal for a bit and then just get really really tired- that should last about 18 years.

You'll stay up nights watching IT breathe, and realize that babies really just eat, sleep, poop, cry, and poop some more. Forget the diaper genie - your whole house, car, and clothes are now poop-smell infested and everyone down-wind knows it. The stroller is useless because you go nowhere and you won't believe that the little short woman who raised you is fit to watch her grandchild for more than 5 minutes while you go to the post office. Find a clean rag, lie it on the floor, place baby on top - come back in 6 months - baby is STILL THERE! Cribs are just status symbols for people who have too many rooms in their house.

The kid will eventually roll, crawl, walk, talk, and steal your car keys, all while leaving a poop trail around the house. The year after it knows how to control its feces, it will tell you it doesn't need you anymore and to butt out - but first make dinner, slave! And then you'll know why tigers eat their young - self-defense, your honour.

Face it, you're going to screw up royally, it won't care about any of the cool lessons you've learned in life, and you are SOOOO OLD it's gross you knocked up Mommy again. Get a vasectomy - at age 18 even - condom-less sex with no worries rules - but then, after years of no sex, anything is great. Any married couple who is bored with their sex life needs to adopt another kid and then miss what they had.

Good luck - you are part of the great chain of being that in it's infinite wisdom produced a slug like you - so try not to screw up to the maximum of your ability - you are only one person and really really really insignificant on any scale.... but at least your weiner works.